Do you often find yourself caught in an endless loop of arguments with your loved ones or colleagues?
We have often encouraged our clients to step back and pause before responding. Pausing and stepping back has immense power. Read on to apply this effectively in your life.
WHY IS STEPPING BACK IMPORTANT?
Rashmi (name changed) was going through a traumatic time in her personal life. A conflicted relationship with her spouse and parents and her habit of over-giving and people pleasing was very stressful for her.
Over the years, she struggles and finally developed an auto-immune disease, and it was this phase of pain that brought her to us.
A very intelligent and accomplished professional who earns well, her personal life was in shambles. A painful story of many years.
Gradually, we heard her years of trauma and abuse. How she constantly got caught in a pattern of over-giving to close family members never realizing that she was being exploited and abused.
She had learnt this early in her life, she had to over stretch and give to get appreciation and acceptance from her caregivers. Her parents were going through a tough phase in her childhood, and she grew up too fast as the situation demanded the same. What started early became the unconscious conditioning of over-giving.
The lesson at 5 years lingered in adulthood and the accumulated pain of these experiences caused chronic stress.
She could never see her life in perspective, never allow herself to say “no” when she clearly perceived unfairness. Till a few months back, she hesitated to find space and time to reflect on her life.
It took some sessions of listening to the pain and allowing her to release the suffering to give her time to step back, pause and reflect on her own patterns and behavior.
In our last session she said,
"Now each time I feel triggered I am learning to step back. I am not there 100%, but I do try."
This step back was a huge step forward in her life.
As she stepped back, she observed her patterns consciously for what they were. She started to become an observer and good friend to herself. She started to look at her life from a distance and stopped over identifying with her mistakes and conditioning.
She started to understand how her habit of working on an auto-pilot mode of over-giving and self-depreciation was bringing her immense stress and a painful illness.
To be honest, all this reflection was difficult for her. Difficult and yet liberating as she knew change was now her responsibility. The work continues as she makes progress in leaps from one session to another.
But this blog is not only about her and our work, it is about you and me as well. Perhaps, you could use some reflection questions to help you step back.
WHEN DO YOU NEED TO STEP BACK?
When you forget to listen to your body’s wisdom for rest as you are in a hurry. Step back and listen.
When you forget to listen to that lingering voice that tells you to pause and slow down. Step back and listen.
When you constantly please others at the cost of your own happiness. Step back and listen.
If you have read this far and need a few more tips to get started, here they are.
Three tips to help you step back with grace:
- Reflect and see if you say “yes” to all requests even though you sense the unfairness. Acknowledge your role and practice saying “no” to what seems unreasonable.
- Reflect on your day for five minutes everyday and see if your responses were conscious or on auto-pilot
- Start journaling about your triggers so you gain practice in reviewing your difficult moments better
- Consult a well-intentioned and wiser friend when you need perspective
- Seek the assistance of a psychologist or counsellor if you find yourself in a challenging space
It is a good practice to serve your friends and family, however when this service is exploitative to your own well-being you need to step back with grace.
If you found this blog useful, you may also like How Do You Transform Challenges Into Opportunities? | LifeVidya
For a different and lived experience on career uncertainty, you may check out Dealing with Job Insecurity | LinkedIn
Connect with us for practical and holistic coaching and counselling to help you look at your challenges and make them moments of deep reflection and growth.
Note: This post is based on an amalgamation of our work with many clients over the years and any resemblance to any individual is not intended.
