4 Tips To Set Effective Personal Boundaries

Do you struggle with boundaries?

The last few weeks of September I often heard clients say, “I am much better now, am setting personal boundaries and respecting them…people are also adjusting…so thanks! And if they don’t like it, I am still ok with that…yeah this was big for me!”

Hmm, this was heartening to know. Sometimes you may be too nice a person, and this is good for everyone else but you!

It is always tough to identify the personal boundaries you need to set, define, communicate and reaffirm. There is always the fear of being disliked, misunderstood or alienated.

What about you? Does the word “Boundaries” mean anything to you?

Have you struggled to keep people “out of your hair”, wanted to escape so you get some space to think, rest and just be yourself? Do you feel a sense of emotional or personal burnout with some relationships?

Let’s look at the flipside too. Has someone else distanced themselves in the past from you? Do you feel they were setting boundaries too? Did you get into a pattern of habitual taking from them?

We all may have felt overwhelmed sometimes. Either with family, friends, bosses or our partner’s demands. We often resist saying “no” even when we know the demand may be too much emotionally, physically, socially or even financially.

So, let’s look at two sides of the same coin. Setting boundaries and respecting others’ boundaries too.  To understand the dynamics, let’s look at a few anecdotes regarding personal boundaries.

When a teen demands privacy and personal boundaries:

Case of Vanya, 15 years and Mother 44 years

Vanya often complains that her parents are always spying on her. They don’t seem to trust her enough even though she is doing nothing rebellious. Her mother is often seeing her messages on the phone, looking through her room and wardrobe and snooping around for information about her teen daughter.

The mother shares how her bubbly daughter has suddenly gone into a shell. She no longer talks about her friends or chats about who is having a crush etc, gossip her mom was privy to before. Her mom now misses these conversations and is also worried if her daughter is distracted because of boys as she puts it. As a result, she spends her time scrolling through her daughter’s chats on her phone. This upsets Vanya and she changes her screen password and then they get into a fight.

Sounds familiar? Are the parent and teen struggling with defining and respecting new personal boundaries as their relationship grows and matures?

If this scenario is not resolved with mutual trust and regard, the teen does get rebellious often and the relationship worsens.

This is probably one of the first experiences of setting personal boundaries that the teen will attempt. It is healthy, shows they are growing up and going through a transition. If the parents can recalibrate and revisit their parenting style, the teen will learn to set and communicate personal boundaries better. If not, it can become a problem in all social relationships as patterns we pick at home have a way of scripting our life. In a few years, the teen daughter may morph into a possessive and suspecting partner. And its not surprising. She saw this behaviour in her significant relationships

So here are some suggestions for a parent going through this crisis. Breathe, you just need to pause and revisit how you behave.

Sharing 4 Steps that will make this easier for you:

1. Reach out: Go on a solo date with your daughter. Anything you both enjoy so you can get back in touch with each other as individuals too. Remember to focus on the positives and not bring up any conflicting topic in this solo date.
2. Connect with your younger teen self : As a parent, reflect on your or your friends’ teen years and the struggles to get some space from parents, hide crushes and dates etc.
3. Reflect on your current parent self : Are you parenting the way you would have liked to be parented as a teen? Is there something you would like to change?
4. Recalibrate and coach your parent self : Identify a few micro changes (eg. No spying on messages, diary notes etc.) that you feel will help you grow your trust in the relationship

As our teenagers grow up it is important and difficult for parents to recognise their needs for space and privacy. This is a difficult transition for most parents. Any over-protectiveness and/or doubt fuels a teen to hide, lie and disguise the truth often. It is better to give some space, allow for smaller mistakes, redefine boundaries and be present for difficult conversations and decisions. You are not perfect; your teen won’t be too.

Now, as a parent you may struggling with a teenager who constantly violates your personal boundaries and space? So, here’s another anecdote to help you relate and reflect.

When a parent needs personal boundaries:

Case of Rahul 18 years and Dad 50 years:

Rahul is in first year college and settling into a new city, hostel, course etc. He is very happy to be away from his home living independently and facing life. His parents dote on their only son and take pride in providing the best to him.  Like many parents these days, they have given their son a dependent credit card so he can procure things he needs. Rahul is a responsible person and does not have wasteful habits.

One evening, his father got a message that Rs.10,000/- had been spent at a bar and lounge. It was past 11 pm and Rahul was not picking the phone when he tried to call him.

For the first time, the father wondered if he did the right thing by giving a dependent credit card with a high spending limit. On previous occasions, Rahul has booked air tickets etc. and consulted his father before he spent large sums of money. This time it was different.

As a parent the father was also worried about his son’s safety. He is also concerned that talking to his son about the matter would cause a rift in their relationship and rapport. So, he prefers to wish the lapse as a one-time occurrence without any discussion.

Now what do you feel are some of the red flags in this instance? What do you think you can do to avoid such situations? Sharing some thoughts below so you can journey through this too.

1. Reach Out: Fix a time for “tough” conversations and have them with your parent or adulting teen
2. Reflect & Communicate: Find the points of harmony first and then set boundaries for what does not work.
3. Respect: You can demand respect for your boundaries of time, money emotional investment if you respect the other too.
4. Recalibrate: Mature relationships will have some disagreements, differences of perspective. It is better to accept this as your relationships mature.

Yes, qualitatively you may find a change in the relationship. This is natural. However, if you have read till here most likely you need this change, so you feel less exploited and overwhelmed in your key relationships.

Try to reflect on the guidelines and use them judiciously in your life’s context.

In case you are facing a generation gap aligning on career goals with your teen or parent, you would find this article on How to bridge the generation gap in setting career goals? very helpful.

To listen to a few more tips on personal growth, you may want to watch a video on “Calm Decision Making”.